Thanksgiving, Not Christmas

santa's sled pulled by turkeys

What about..wait for it..brace yourselves..we made Thanksgiving a bigger deal than Christmas? Because there is way too much fucking Christmas. And it has an annoying way of showing up before Halloween.

When I was a kid, back in the Stone Age of the 1970s, Thanksgiving was a huge holiday. People got together to eat a massive dinner, watch football, get shitfaced drunk, and fart. (Not necessarily in that order. My grandfather would be hammered by noon, shooting crows in the cornfield by 1 p.m. and doing a faceplant into his dinner plate by 2 p.m. But I digress..) And yeah, people still do that shit now,’s not really an event to be grateful. It’s just a tailgate party for fucking Christmas shopping.

In the ’70s, everything was closed on Thanksgiving Day. You couldn’t go pick up some forgotten ingredient for your green-bean diarrhea casserole, or get gas or buy a frigging candy bar. The mindset was “you had plenty of time to get ready for the holiday, so fuck your poor planning.” Yes. Exactly. And fuck having Black Friday start in the middle of Thanksgiving. People can wait until it’s actually FRIDAY or even (gasp!) the weekend. None of this getting trampled over flat screens bullshit.

The shit is cheaper after Chrismas anyway, ya fucking wanks.

While the retail industry is largely responsible for shifting the American mindset from gratitude to greed, people still have the ability to pump the brakes. And they don’t. They mindlessly put up Christmas trees/lights/inflatable Santas/musical reindeer/other various eyesores before the last leaf falls, and the frozen turkeys arrive at the grocery store. At this rate, there will be no other holidays in 20 years. It’ll be the Christmas Bunny, the Daytona Yuletide 500, and the Fourth of Little Drummer Boy.

Seriously, what the FUCK are we doing? Christmas is ONE FUCKING DAY out of an entire year. ONE. Why does everyone lose their damn minds over it? It’s also a religious holiday. Shouldn’t it be more..humble..or something?

And please don’t cite the pandemic for driving this nonsense. This shit was going on way before that. If anything, the pandemic should be driving us more toward Thanksgiving values. All it’s done is make this greedy, ill-timed behavior much worse.

Thanksgiving values should be a month-long celebration each year. Start in late November with the big dinner and continue through late December. Practice gratitude all the way through by helping neighbors, making charitable contributions and engaging in personal reflection. Eliminate presents and gaudy lawn displays. Be human. Give a shit about your fellow man. Teach kids to do the same.

This approach will also spare us the scourge of Christmas music, and that’s a win for humanity right there.